New Moon (2009)

New Moon (2009) — Short review: SUCKED. Long review: SUCKED REALLY HARD. 0 stars. Perhaps elaboration is called for… It’s my mom’s birthday [or rather was four and a half hours ago] and so my dad and I said we’d do whatever she wanted to do. Being a good son as I am I went along with it. I know ideally you’re supposed to go into a movie with an open mind, and not take in your preconceived notions of what it will be… but VAMPIRES DON’T FUCKING SPARKLE! Though in fact to the movie’s either credit or discredit [depending on your point of view] there is very little sparkling in the movie. I don’t why sometimes they sparkle in the daytime and sometimes they don’t. I don’t really care. It just shows that in this stupid movie they can’t even keep consistent on the stupid rules they invent.  So the sparkling [not only the inconsistency thereof but rather the fact that it exists in the first place] is my main problem. You could call it a personal bias but whatever. Here’s why this is a movie that truly sucks and not just a movie that isn’t “made for people like me.” The main character is a truly stupid and selfish girl. Take everything that’s bad about high school chicks and escalate it and that roughly approximates the main character of this stupid fucking movie.  You know that stupid drama queen in high school who moped around and didn’t leave her house after her boyfriend dumped her? Well, imagine if she did it for three solid months. That’s Kristen Stewart in this movie. She was good as a kid in flicks like Panic Room and in adult roles in Adventureland and Into the Wild. In those films, she did very well at playing real fully-developed characters. But here she has absolutely nothing to work with. She’s not alone either. Talented actors like Graham Greene, Michael Sheen, Dakota Fanning [who’s gotten weird-looking in her teen years], and Anna Kendrick just have absolute shit roles.  I mean NOTHING. Sheen takes it way over the top because really with a role that thin what else can you do? But if you wanted to see him in a role that makes his part in Underworld seem subtle by comparison, this is it [seriously it seems like that dude has a thing for vamp vs. wolves flicks]. Anyway back to the movie at hand. So in the beginning Stupid Girl is hooked up with Sparkly Douche from the first movie. She gets attacked at her birthday party and then Sparkly Douche takes her home then kisses her then makes this really weird face like he just came in his pants. That was never really explained. Anyway so Sparkly Douche abandons Stupid Girl and she gets all sad, but not like normal teen girl sad, like totally mentally ill sad. Anyway she meets Wolf Boy, or I guess she already knew him but whatever. She doesn’t know he’s a Wolf Boy yet. By the way, that would have been a decent plot twist if it hadn’t been in EVERY FUCKING COMMERCIAL. So Wolf Boy is super cool to Stupid Girl but she doesn’t like him THAT way. Then he starts being a dick to her, just like Sparkly Douche, and all of a sudden she has feelings for him.  Get this chick to an emotional abuse hotline. Anyway other stuff happens people go to Europe. The movie ends with everyone pretty much where they were in the beginning of the movie making you wonder what the point of this whole stupid movie was… But I don’t want to end a movie after having said nothing positive so… uh… I liked that song that played when the wolves chased the redhead chick. So much that I looked it up. It’s “Hearing Damage” by Thom Yorke. Download it and avoid this stupid fucking movie.

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