The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King (2003)

The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King (2003) — This is actually my least favorite of the three films and it incidentally went on to win the Academy Award for Best Picture and Best Director (and several others).  But despite my problems with it (which are few) it still remains, as with the first two, epic and awesome.  My first problem is not the film-maker’s fault at all.  They did everything right on this front; the problem is entirely in my damaged psyche.  I fucking hate spiders.  They are fucking awful and creep me right the fuck out.  So the big fucking spider in this movie is no picnic for me to sit through.  It’s bearable unlike certain other giant spiders in movies (can’t even watch the spider scene in Harry Potter) but still makes me feel like the fuckers are crawling under my skin.  But like I said, none of that is the fault of the film-makers.  My other problem is.  This movie is expertly made for over three hours.  The end really kind of fucks up, pacing-wise.  [Spoilers follow] After the ring is destroyed the movie goes on for about a half hour.  A lot of it is good stuff and rightfully should be in the movie.  But Jackson fades to black like three times before the movie ends.  Fading to black generally indicates finality, resolution. If you go to another scene, it really fucks with the pace of the movie.  The second thing is the one scene in the series that I really hate (even the spider scene is well-done, it’s just my own stupid phobias that ruin it for me).  Where Frodo wakes up in Rivendell and has a prolonged slow-motion reunion with all the surviving members of the fellowship.  With all due sensitivity to alternative lifestyles: it is reeeeeeeeeally gay.  Watch the film Clerks 2 for further thoughts on the subject… [thus endeth spoilers]  For a movie to be four hours long and me to only have two problems with it, one of which is not even the film-maker’s fault, is still pretty damn good.  The three films taken together [as they should be] are perhaps the most monumental achievement of modern film-making.  Plus they are just fucking epically awesome.

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