Piranha 3-D (2010)

Piranha 3-D (2010) — I outright loved this stupid fucking movie. And it is stupid. Oh so stupid. But that’s mostly what I love about it. It’s all about gore and nudity. Mostly female nudity but for those who prefer the fellas there is a penis… it’s just not attached to anyone when it’s shown. Then fish eat it. THAT’S WHAT KIND OF MOVIE THIS IS! You can pretty much tell who’s going to die from the second they appear onscreen. The one dude who might have been kind of a surprise dies IN THE TRAILER so they kind of screwed the pooch on that count. This movie is loaded with jumps. It’s not “scary” in the sense of actually instilling fear in the hearts of the audience, but it does have a fair amount of jumps.  And jumps are fun. This is the schlocky shit-flies-at-the-screen 3D like the My Bloody Valentine remake last year and it utilizes the technology well. The plot is about a kid names Jake (played by Steve McQueen’s grandson) who gets a job working for a Joe Francis wannabe played by Jerry O’Connell during Spring Break at a lake in Arizona. He also tries to hook up with his hot platonic friend Kelly (Jessica Szohr from Gossip Girl). Oh yeah, and there are fucking piranhas. The movie also has Elizabeth Shue, Ving Rhames, Eli Roth, porn star Riley Steele (dealing with different bodily fluids than usual), Adam Scott, Christopher Lloyd, and Richard Dreyfus as a character pretty much copied from his role in Jaws (the movie the original Piranha
was conceived as a rip-off of). After High Tension (which would have been a horror classic if not for the stupid twist ending) and his remake of The Hills Have Eyes, I was worried French director Alexandre Aja wouldn’t strike the right tone with a movie like this but he nails it. It’s a gore-filled love letter to the campy horror genre. If I wanted to take issue with it, it does end rather suddenly. I wanted more dammit, but instead of delivering on the promise of bigger piranhas it cuts to the credits with the implication of a sequel. Judging
from how empty the theater I saw it in was I don’t think that sequel is coming but if they make it, I’ll sure as hell see it.

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