The Onion News Network – “Asteroid Heads to Earth”

The Onion News Network – “Asteroid Heads to Earth

The 24-Hour news cycle is really killing intelligent discussion of the issues of the day. It should do the opposite but the national discourse just gets shallower and shallower dedicated to sensationalism and sound bites. This year IFC debuted The Onion News Network. It takes the form of the news magazine show FactZone with Brooke Alvarez. Suzanne Sena, an actual former Fox News anchor, plays Alvarez who might be one of the greatest comic creations of the decade. Her deadpan assertions of her superiority and utter contempt for everyone else are hidden behind a professional smile and the casual cruelty she displays to her co-workers are utterly hilarious. While the show itself consists solely of FactZone, other shows on the fictitious network are advertised or excerpted, such as Cross Examination with Shelby Cross (a Nancy Grace type) or the insipid morning show Today Now! Those familiar with the print edition of The Onion know the score: the news is fake, but it often hits on greater truths. The second season begins with the top story that asteroid is going to collide with earth to kill us all. Whil other correspondents are left in existential despair, contemplating their imminent mortality, Brooke cheerfully continues sharing stories about the United Nations new progressive rock album about the impending apocalypse, the Hollywood screenwriters’ plan to blow up the asteroid (which fails when the well-testing characters they selected proved fatally incapable of operating a space shuttle), or the Slut Bunker filled with promiscuous women who will assist in the repopulation of Earth. At the end of the episode… well, an asteroid hits the Earth annihilating everything. Can’t wait to see them top that next week. I won’t be writing regularly about The Onion News Network, but I’ll sure as hell be watching it. You should too.

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